On Blast

Holy smokes.

2008-08-24T22:56:00.000-07:00

Nothing you put out here ever really goes away, does it?

I'm still here.

Sadie is almost three.

I'm married; celebrated my first anniversary this month.

Working for the local community college, planning to establish a real career one day, swear.

And now it is time for bed.

Also: HI, HI, HI! To the few people who inspired me to start this funky blog in the first place. Word.

I know, I know

2006-03-05T16:48:00.000-08:00

Horrible. I'm absolutely horrible at blogging. I'm a diarist, not a blogger. There's a difference, party people.

I bet nobody even haunts this corner anymore! I've lost all my internet cronies, g-dammit. Helllllo? Anybody out there?

Of course, I am totally a mother now. I had my baby on Dec. 10, which means she's 12 weeks old now. Nothing I can type in the square can express to the world how much I love the little frog. She and her daddy complete my world. I got mad love for her, yo, MAD love. I'm going to go ahead and post a picture of her. Don't go stealing it! She's cute, I know, but she's mine all mine. Without further ado, meet Miss Sadie. Ain't she cute?

Neglectful

2005-11-29T19:17:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I forget this corner is even here. I write somewhere else, you know. Same spot I've frequented for the last 5.5 years. If you're interested, I'll give you the link. Drop me a comment, yo.

Update: I'm officially in my ninth month of pregnancy. Three more weeks to go. I've gained 35 pounds. I cannot sleep well anymore. My appetite is waning. Sex is a joke.

But I've never been happier in all my days. Soon, I'll be looking at the face we made. I can hardly wait.

I miss some of you people and think of you often. I hope you are doing well.

blah.

2005-10-06T17:13:00.000-07:00

I'm totally over this. Tired. Achy. Fat. Headache. Host to a very kick-, punch-happy human. Have two more months and want to cry at the very thought of getting any more stretched out than this.

To all you bitches that say you never felt better during pregnancy, I say fuck you! Fuck you very much.

The good news is I have the most patient babydaddy on the planet. And ice cream. Word.

85

2005-09-29T00:01:00.000-07:00

It's after midnight and I'm wrapping up this M Shift. Can barely keep my lids from falling despite the fact that I don't go to bed until well after 1 a.m. on most nights. Something about being stuck in this cubicle makes me sleeeeepy and a little nauseous. I'm not sure how M does this night after night after night, manages to squeeze in some Fred's time and then gets her ass up to deal with the girls. Kudos to her for working it all into a day.

Me? I'm a lazy MF-er who'd much rather sleep my life away.

Had to record Lost ... can't wait to get home and watch. Once I get to my pad I'll be wide awake again, I'm sure.

We're thinking about opening a joint account for bill-paying purposes. Convenience and timeliness. And forever-ness. We're parents now. Well, almost. We're in this together now. May as well set some financial guidelines and play like adults. Phew.

I love that man more'n muh luggage, I-tell-you-what. He's my cotton candy.

Speaking of cotton candy, the fair with all its greasy goods will be in full swing this time next week. I'll be the one in line for soft tacos. And fried zucchini. And a corn dog, jumbo version.

Eighty-five days, party people. Eighty-five short days.

Number Three

2005-09-23T15:44:00.000-07:00

So. Here I am, entering my third trimester of pregnancy. I don't like it. I feel all stretched out and I can't imagine having the ability to house an even bigger infant over the next three months. OUCH! is all I can say.

I'm ready to meet my baby. My kicking, punching, squirming, sommersault-turning baby.

Today, people from work brought me little pink shoes and a bassinette. How sweet are they? I love most of my coworkers. I do.

I ate Mexican food for lunch. It was almost perfect. Only thing missing was the Pacifico beer.

Sometimes, I wish there was a place for me to leave comments. I have so many.

How would you like it if I poked your belly? Step off.

I'm tired of this square now. It happens a lot lately.

Absent.

2005-09-10T16:48:00.000-07:00

I'm only filling space. Nothing of any substance up in here.

I miss hangin' out online sometimes. Only sometimes.

Once, I was carefree and lively and social, just like a butterfly.

Now, I avoid social settings. I worry about the world and how my child will fit in with the crazies. I'm so different.

I don't know if I like worrying, parenting, having to be responsible for someone besides me ... I don't know if I like sharing my life.

And watch me flip.

I've never been more content, satisfied, happy. I love sharing my world with him and I cannot wait to share with my daughter. Wow. Did you read that? Let me type it again: My daughter.

two in a row.

2005-08-06T15:50:00.000-07:00

I have gum. I have tortilla chips. I am rich, indeed.

Stayed awake 'til 4 a.m., had to be in this chair at 10 a.m. (was late, of course). Am paying the price now. Feel slightly drunk. Will take nap after shift ends.

My belly finally outranks my boobs. I've had more people talk to me about pregnancy this week than ever before. I actually get annoyed with it sometimes. I know, I know ... stop being so hormonal. I'm just so private (said the girl who types out bits of her life on the Internet) ... it's weird to have people question me about my secret world.

Tonight, I make pot stickers! I even have hot chili oil! Food is grrrreat!

I need some girl names, folks. I'm at a loss. Someone from L.'s place of employment christened her new baby girl with MY NAME! (bitch.) So now I have nothing, nada, zip, zilch, zero. Help me.

And confidential to M: You once told me to ride my wave and in the end everything will work itself out. You seem to be doing just that. Have faith in your supreme knowledge. I know you will land on your feet. We always do. Love, me.

HELL TO THE NO!

2005-08-05T13:47:00.000-07:00

Damnitalltohell, I missed Bobby and Whitney this week. I fucking love that show.

Who the hell searches for "Bubba" from "In the Heat of the Night"? Whomever you may be, you need to live here because he's mayor and shit. And really tall, kind of buff even; but his conservative outlook kills the buzz. Just so you know, whomever you may be.

Here's what I'm eating (because I know you're interested): Grilled chicken breast tossed with crisp romaine, shredded parmeasan and creamy Caesar dressing wrapped in a sun-dried tomato tortilla. Yum.

Crack house, tract house -- who could possibly tell the difference?

I'd like to give a shout out to the multi-personalitied. I'm kind of jealous that you all are able to switch gears so goddamned easily. Rock the fuck on.

This post is brought to you by curse words and facetiousness. (See? I be playin' with you.)

Let's talk about sex, baby.

2005-08-02T17:51:00.000-07:00

Or should I say gender.

I had another ultrasound yesterday. This time, I got the goo on the belly and all that. (The other times, I've been assaulted with a dildo-like object.) My child was not into moving around all that much at the time. We kind of had to poke at her to get some good pictures. The tech told me to keep my receipts, but it looks like a girl. I knew it. I know it. She is a she. She has ovaries and uterine gadgetry. She will menstruate and develop boobies and drive me insane with worry. And one day, hopefully, she will experience the joy of making her own baby girl. I hope.

Her father will go crazy before his time. He will teach her karate and beg her not to date boys. He will wring his hands every time she leaves the house without him. He will love her like crazy and she'll be his little angel.

She'll have curly hair and big, brown eyes. And too much attitude for most people's taste. And I could care less because she's my baby girl and I can take the 'tude. (Really.)

And now, I must stuff my face with salt and vinegar chips. Yes, I'm very health-conscious. Shut up and mind your business.

me and blogger, we're old friends.

2005-07-23T10:24:00.000-07:00

I really am a horrible blogger. I'm much better at OD, my real home. Ask me about it some time, why don't you.

I guess the reason I rarely get in this white square is because I don't have much excitement to report lately. I'm such a homebody, even more so now; I have no material for yous.

In one week, I'll be half-way done with this pregnancy. I'd lie and tell you how much I enjoy being pregnant, but really I cannot wait to pop this kid out. I'm anxious to meet my child, hold it's little hand, rub it's soft cheek, give it baths and rub lotion on that round tummy. I really can hardly contain myself. If I'm truthful, I have to admit that I've been waiting for this since high school.

I can also do without the pregnancy side effects: the aches, the stretching, the abstaining from mmmmm-beer (especially during this hot-ass summer). I'm old, y'all. This shit wreaks havoc on the bod (and we all know how I feel about my bod).

I watched Be Cool last night. Liked, not loved, it. Not Get Shorty, but Vince Vaughn and The Rock aka Dwayne Johnson were both funny as shit. (Is shit funny?) I also rented Constantine (well, the man rented it...I just nodded my approval). I haven't watched it yet. I also have Lemony Snickett. Also, I watched The Life Aquatic. Also Cursed. Also also also! Apparently, I've been spending a majority of my time on my ass watching flicks. Word.

I've also been reading. I've managed to finish three books in the last month. I told you I am a homebody.

This post has been brought to you by fat bellies and parentheses. As you were.

Time, I have little.

2005-06-27T18:14:00.000-07:00

School started this morning. I picked up an extra day at work as well. Today is my first 9 a.m. to 9 p.m. day. It's just after 6 p.m. and I am worn the fuck out. Tiredtiredtired, so tired that I may not make it to Amber's fundraiser bash. I just don't think I can take punk rock music tonight. I hope she won't hate me with the fire of one thousand suns if I ghost her. I do that, you know. I've kind of earned a reputation.

I ate yummy Wendy's chili today and there weren't any digits. No fingers, no toes...I'm almost disappointed.

I miss my boyfriend. We haven't seen each other much lately. Stupid work.

The crazy lady just told me black people have no faces. Hmph. Does that mean my baby will only have half a face?

I know better than to visit certain corners of the 'net. I know how pissed off I'll get by certain idiots. Yet, I get so bored here and I run out of cool things so I end up creeping my ass over to the crap. UGH! I hate my lack of Internet control. The dood is a fucking cunt (yes, a fucking cunt). Worthless waste of my time, I swear. If I were a religious girl, I'd pray for the strength to deliver me from evil. Too bad I'm fresh out of faith. Anyway, I hear there are several English courses offered both online and on the east coast. Homeboy should really partake because the horror that is his writing style makes me cringe with embarrassment. I mean, I'm far from perfect but HOLY CRAP, DUDE, YOU SUCK! Please! Grab your dictionary!

Did I mention how much I miss my boyfriend?

Forgetful.

2005-06-21T17:40:00.000-07:00

I forgot my password! (I could've just asked you, right? Fucker.)

Some advice: Do not eat chili dogs loaded with onions at midnight. You will not be a happy camper the next morning...and the rest of the day won't go so well either. Consider yourselves warned.

I eat little meals all day. Right now, I'm munching on cheese and Wheat Thins. Oh, for the love of cheese. I heart cheese mightily. (I probably shouldn't be eating it as the plumbing ain't great right now, but damn, how can one resist?)

I start feeling like crap if I don't eat a little something once every other hour. So eat is what I be doin'. I be eatin'. And gainin'. Eff it. When will I have this luxury again?

Got mad at the man this morning. Figured he'd rather watch the nude model on Blind Date than flirt with me in bed. Eff me, I'm a hormonal roller coaster. I guess I'm feeling less-than-attractive these days and our sex life isn't what it was pre-pregnancy. My drive, however, has returned and he won't fucking touch me!! I'm tired of the showerhead, yo. And how can he let these beautiful boobs just go to waste? GD, I need some penetration.

My cheese is gone. Sad.

Let's see...what else is the haps? Um...I spent Father's Day with his family. It was nice. My first meeting with all of them. What a way to introduce myself: Hi! I'm carrying the next member of your family! It was cool, though. I should've been with my own father, but he was at my bro's house and I hate my bro and his wife right now so that was a big fat No Go. I did call him. That counts right? I'm horrible, though, because his card is still in the Hallmark bag at home, unsigned. Ugh, it's so hard sometimes. I hope L and I remain together always so my child will never feel the way I do.

I need Jello, party people. I need it now. Piss out.

more baby talk because i am PREGNANT.

2005-06-10T18:08:00.000-07:00

Sorry to bore you, Internet fans. I cannot help myself. I'm one of "those people" now. I'm a Mommy-To-Be and it's pretty much all I can think about these days.

Today, I watched my child do all kinds of flips and gestures in my belly. I saw it's knees and elbows, fingers and toes, an ear and an eye, it's profile (my baby has the cutest nose) ... all the things that never mattered when it was someone else's baby. Now it matters so much I can hardly stand myself. I've been proud Mom all day, showing off this picture to any and everybody. I don't care if you don't care, JUST LOOK AT MY BABY DAMMIT!

Still don't know if there are ovaries or testes. Still secretly hoping for ovaries. I know her name, yo. (Of course this means it's a boy.)

My baby. Wow.

turkey lurky.

2005-06-07T18:08:00.000-07:00

Gobblegobble.

Oh my goodness, I have the best boobs ever right now! I'll be sad when the head south.

I'm having a nauseous day. It sucks and I'm never having another baby. Mark it.

Today, Jack e-mailed me and said so many of those things I wanted him to say when we were seeing one another. It was so sad and I cried a lot right here at my desk. (Embarrassingly hormonal.) I wanted so much to be with him once upon a time. Parts of me still miss him immensely and wish things went differently between us. But they didn't go that route, did they? I ended up falling in total love with someone who treats me so fucking good I can hardly stand it sometimes. I'm so ridiculously happy with him, yet I can still feel upset about Jack. It still makes me sad. If this is the way it felt to rehash our old shit, then you can best believe I will never be talking to Den again. Because that shit will break my heart into a million little pieces. Endings are fucking sad, man.

HOWEVER! As sad as that conversation made me, it in no way eclipses the contentment, fulfillment and genuine happy love I experience with L. No one has ever made me feel more special, loved, happy ... he's perfect for me and I know it. I'd never fuck this up. Besides, we made a baby together. Now he's stuck with me. Ain't he lucky? -wink-

"Your tenacious beating of the long-dead horse is somewhat pathetic," said E.

2005-06-03T20:16:00.000-07:00

People fascinate me endlessly. Warped, we are... this society as a whole is warped. I know I have my own idiosyncracies and neuroses to deal with, but I am boring -- by far -- when compared to others' brand of psychosis. I totally thought it was over with the big "OVER" announcements all over the place. I guess some people just get their rocks off in strange ways.

I'd like to give a shout out to the less than stellar portion of this lovely community we call the 'net: Grow the fuck up. You want adult kudos, well then, suck up all that ugly you own inside and act like the big kid you long to be. All your big talk don't mean shit when your actions drip with immaturity. Drip, drip, drop.

I suppose I could keep my opinions to myself. But, seriously now, when have I ever done that?

How's this for a title?

2005-06-01T15:51:00.000-07:00

I fell in love with All the President's Men long ago. I read it, I watched it, I absorbed its mystery like a sponge. I am a sucker for stuff like that. Political intrigue is great material! So Deep Throat has always fascinated my sinister little mind. And I've waited many, many years for the identity of said mystery man. And now that everything is open like a book, I am let down as I always am when a great mystery is solved. Sigh. Endings are so very anticlimactic.

At least Lee Harvey Oswald will never break his silence and tell the world all about how he acted as the Lone Gunman.

Oh my, sweet root beer how I love your frosty goodness. You compliment Taco Bell regular tacos so well. (Speaking of tacos from Taco Bell, would I be crazy if I wanted them without the meat and filled with only cheese and lettuce?)

Pregnancy wreaks havoc on a woman's body. I feel weird all the time. The nausea is easing up but things are still ... off. I'm wrapping up my first trimester. I hear the second trimester is the best part. I'm trying not to be pessimistic. I just feel so weird. The sex is gettin' really good, though. So I got that goin' for me.

I want to end this post with my usual biting sarcasm, but I will resist temptation. Today.

suck it.

2005-05-28T10:48:00.000-07:00

I love that catch phrase. Thank you, Wrestlemania.
Sometimes I forget how much better my own homemade brew is over Starbucks. I love its strong goodness. And, yes, my pregnant ass is still drinking coffee. Cup a day, even. I've stopped smoking, I don't drink alcohol anymore, my wild life is roadkill; give me a motherfucking break.

I actually have a shitload of work to get through today. Won't start it 'til I absoultely have to because I am the best kind of procrastinator. I like the pressure of down to the wire.

Class starts soon. I really think it'd be in my best interest to look up my schedule to see which day, exactly. I'm so out of it right now. Shit.

Been watching Chappelle's Show, second season. "I'm Wayne Brady, bitch!" Funny, funny stuff. I rarely laugh out loud at television, but he's crazy that Dave. And cute in a weird way. Personality and smiles go a very long way.

So, did I ever tell you that I spent 15 years breaking up with my ex? Yes, I did. We got together when I was 17. He was my first everything. I was so in love with that boy. Sooooo in love. He made me feel so special, important. All the things I strived to achieve from the people around me, he gave me. Of course, it didn't take me long to realize he was giving this treatment of his to several girls, but by that time I was hooked...like an addict. I'd catch him lying, he'd convince me to believe him. It wasn't hard for him to make me see things his way. I wanted so desperately to believe him. Our crazy minds, we can make ourselves believe whatever feels best, can't we?

I broke up with him the first time about six months into the relationship. That lasted all of two days, I think. He just looked so pitiful, sounded like a wounded animal on the phone...I couldn't take it. I wasn't in that great of shape, either. I mean, who was ever going to love me like that again? So, I took him back. And he did it again. And again. And again. And again so many times I don't think I have enough character space to type enough "agains" here.

I think I liked the drama, in a way. It was so very passionate and heated and it made for some great make up sessions. It was like the world ended and began over and over again. My very own romantic tragedy. Shakespearean and painfully beautiful. Addictive to say the least.

By the time a decade had passed, my soul was tired. But I kept at it. I mean, after ten years what else was there for me? And what a horrible failure I'd be as a woman if I couldn't make. that. relationship. work. if. it. killed. me. And damned if it didn't almost do just that.

I have so many people, genuinely good people, around me ... I'm so lucky to have them. They dragged me out into the world, made me meet people who, in turn, made me realize that I AM fucking lovable and decent and worthy of the good (some might say boring) kind of love. I shouldn't have to worry every fucking minute of the day.

And I don't anymore. I don't worry about how I look. I don't worry about my man's whereabouts or whether he's coming home tonight. I remember that girl -- the insecure, desperate girl -- but she isn't me anymore. I'm a woman now. And I have a real man now. And, believe me, I've had the best and worst of that world. I know the difference.

Ladies, you should all be so lucky. (And I know some of you are.)

Happy Weekend

2005-05-27T13:46:00.000-07:00

Let's do the list thing, OK?

~I went to DMV and paid up on the car tags. (Interesting sidenote: it's tags in Cali rather than tabs.) I feel accomplished. Making an appointment is a very smart move.

~I then went to Subway and had a fan-fucking-tastic sandwich and salt and vinegar chips. Very satisfying, like Snickers but better. (I heart Snickers forever because of their keen commercial. "I am Batman.")

~Speaking of, The Man said Batman is a cool name for our son. Not. What are your favorite boy names? I'm at a loss.

~I really miss beer.

~I'm very thankful for my relationship today. There is no drama. He loves me and I know it ... and vice versa. We've never broken up and if we do, we'll know it's for good because we don't play that kid-like game and isn't that the greatest thing? You may be jealous now.

~This is not a holiday weekend for me. I work tomorrow and Monday. No biggie, I'm off next weekend and we're going to Santa Cruz. Ha.

~Um, nevermind.

Have a great 3-day weekend. Don't drink and drive.

i am so boring.

2005-05-23T14:04:00.000-07:00

I work all week. Being the part-time junky that I am, this sucks beyond belief. What in the world will I do with all this slacker time? There is only so much web surfing one can do before blood begins to pour from the eyes. I have shameful women's magazines to thumb through, but I'm not in the mood to see flat tummies today being that mine isn't all that flat these days. I am so bloated. Ugh.

So here I am typing away about absolutely nothing of any importance whatsoever.

Suppose to see Star Wars tonight. Is it bad that I don't wanna? I thought I realllllly wanted to check it out, but I have no desire to sit in a room with strangers. Also, I'll probably have to pee like twenty times during the course of the movie. Not fun.

NOTHING is fun these days. I wish I had a FF button. I'm ready for all the glowing. When does my effing glow start?!?

I heard through the internet grapevine that I've been talked about amongst you people and, supposedly, I am "despised". No biggie, but I must say that I find it laughable that I arouse so much emotion to warrant "despise" status. I don't even know you people! But, hey, thank you for the ego boost. Any time I can get a mention, my heart and big head swell. Lord knows I love a swollen head.

To seal my status as Queen of the Boring, I'll tell you what I ate for lunch: Rigatoni, french bread and a salad. Water on the side. Life is good, people, life is good.

At ease.

official

2005-05-17T13:36:00.000-07:00

Entering week 10. Two and a half weeks to go until the end of the dreaded first trimester. I will worry a lot less when it is over.

Some silly class to attend this week, then another appointment next Friday. I guess I should get used to being prodded and poked and invaded. If it wasn't so very necessary ...

My pants are a bit snug around the middle now. I can see a slight difference, but I'm pretty sure I'm the only one. I like it. I took a picture that I will not be showing you.

I cried because I got caught by the train the other day. I have the worst case of road rage EVAR. Sometimes I feel like shit. I have great boobs right now...even had to buy new bras. YEAH BABY!

I guess what I'm explaining here is that I am actually starting to feel like a pregnant person.

Wow. Can't hardly wait to meet this person. I mean it.

And if you're sick of reading about motherhood and babies and love and peace in the world and good fucking will to all mankind, well then you're on the wrong internet avenue. That's all you'll get out of me. I'm one happy chick.

Enjoy the shit outta this great weather. Or not. :)

hi!

2005-05-13T18:15:00.000-07:00

I am not a good blogger. I could ditch this shit and never look back. Ah well...

So, I had my first prenatal visit this week. I got to see my little bean and his little heartbeat. So cool. I could tell you again and again about what an amazing thing it is to experience, but you won't know unless you do it yourself. Life-altering, I tell you.

Yes, that's right blogging world, I done got myself knocked up before marriage. And, yes, I'm completely happy about the situation. Me and the man, we're going to be parents ... great parents at that.

There isn't anything else I can log here that could compare to what I've just shared with you so I'll just end this here.

After a while, Crocodile ...

Five Facts

2005-05-07T16:35:00.000-07:00

*Tempura veggies from Central Fish is the best thing I've put in mouth in months.

*I was sick this morning, but I feel like a million bucks right now.

*I will go to Target in the morning and purchase the cute little dress in their Sunday ad, even though it won't fit me when I really want to wear it.

*Today is my mother's birthday. Wish her a happy one right now!

*There is life within. Holy shit.

That is all. May you enjoy your weekend. And don't forget to call/visit/hug your mommy tomorrow.

I feel like death.

2005-05-06T13:34:00.000-07:00

I am in serious need of food. My mouth is watering and my stomach is twisting, turning, burning, churning. I cannot take a break for another thirty minutes. I hope I can make it. This trash can is starting to look like a great place to stick my face. Oh great, now I'm burping and shit. Nice.

So, I'm scheduled to hit the town tonight. I swore an oath to AmberG. and Sherif. It IS his birthday, after all. I guess I can hang with the cool kids for a while. Really, I'd just like to head home and get in-between the sheets with my dude. Doesn't seem like that's going to happen, though. At least not as soon as I'd like. He's hittin' the road with his cousin anyway. Day tripping.

Have you figured all this out yet? I bet you have, you nosy little buggers. I bet a couple of you are being assholes and talking all the shit your little nugget brain can conjure, right? Actually I can only think of one asshole from the 'net. Yep, I'm totally referencing your little immature ass. (NOT YOU EITHER BECAUSE NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU!!!!!!111one.) Am I a great impressionist or what? Heh.

Sometimes, I just cannot help myself.

And I'm done.

you guys want some cookiezzzz?

2005-05-03T16:53:00.000-07:00

Three boxes: samoas, thin mints and all abouts. I am going to eat them all myself. OK, not really. But I so could.

I have a headache from lack of caffeine. This whole deal is hard. Being healthy is no fun. And we all know I'm down for the fun.

I went to the bar yesterday to hang with my girl Amber G. for a while. She drank red beer and I sipped on spicy tomato juice. I thought it'd suck to sit there and watch everyone else get drunk, but it wasn't bad. I have no desire for that stuff right now. It's crazy how your mind subconsciously puts you into these zones when it receives information.

I bet the brainwashing material is in the Girl Scout cookies.

Also, I'm over it. Part of it anyway. I still find the xx side fascinating. The other side? Not so much. I feel true sympathy for the xx side as I can relate. I have, indeed, been there done that. Not so fun ... the kind of thing you don't wish on worst enemies. But to each their own. <---- A lesson I've learned fairly recently.

I'm out, people. Be good to each other and eat your vegetables. Peace.

I don't feel like a title.

2005-04-30T10:32:00.000-07:00

Chai tea with soy. Mmmmmm-mmm goooood.
Work on Saturday. Not so good.

Time out. I must micturate. TMI, right? Too bad.

I'm back. And I'm not having such a good day all of the sudden. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for some improvement.

Suddenly I'm in no mood to fuck with this square. Ugh.

yawn.

2005-04-29T16:48:00.000-07:00

I'm tired. Always tired. Can't seem to find the energy to do anything but lounge around the house in my pajamas. So bad, I am. Just a big lump of lazy. I hate it but am not fighting it. I could go walking but -shrug- ...

All caught up on my reading. Yee haw.

Still avoiding the plague. Go me.

And I'm even too fucking lazy to put effort into updating this blog. Therefore, this fuckin bitch is out.

Word to your mutha.

EDIT!: The puppy is growing so fast! He's also the cause of much hair-pulling and yelling. He's lucky I love the shit out of him.

This is what happens when we try to take his picture. He's no good at posing, people. (Also...can you see my lazy day PJs in the background? I RULE!)

For You

2005-04-22T13:45:00.000-07:00

Here's the boy:

It's the only one I have thus far. (Bad Mommy!)

I love him, even though he is a flipping pisser! Ugh, he is so.much.work.

Lots on my mind. I wish I could share, but this isn't the right place nor time. Soon ...

2005-04-19T18:00:00.000-07:00

I got nothin', kids.
HI!

Also

2005-04-15T16:40:00.000-07:00

Did you know that also is one of my favorite words to use? I love it. Much better than and.

Guess what. Go 'head. I'll wait ... OK, I can't wait. Impatience is my middle middle name. After my real middle name. Which, I'm sure, someone knows because, you know, they know all my shit. ANYWAY (There is no 's' at the end of this word. Please make a mental note.) The news: I have a new baby. He's six weeks old and blue/grey and a total monster. He eats my face, loves to get into brawls with my slippers, stays awake all night long. Ugh. If dogs are this difficult, imagine how much fun a newborn will be! Joy!

I threatened to move out the first night. I've since grown fond of the shitter. (I need to stop threatening to move out. He's going to take me seriously one of these days.)

Gosh, I love that man. He's my lobster. Totally.

I turned my cell phone off. I'm going to mess around and turn it right back on tomorrow. I am so fucking strange. Sorry if you called and I was unavailable. I'm prone to act too spontaneously at times.

I hope the keys are still around by the time you two are done with them. ;) I bet you guys are having way too much fun and I am totally jealous. Meh.

Did you do your taxes, kiddies?

yoo hoo.

2005-04-15T13:49:00.000-07:00

To: you
From: me
Subject: my pw

If you want it so badly, why don't you just ask me? There isn't anything to hide. Shifty is so yesterday. I thought leaves turned and shit.

Shut the fuck up.

2005-04-09T11:19:00.000-07:00

(I wish I could say that to some people and not feel guilty about it. Fucking lingering Catholicism!)

Last night:
Ditched work early. Spent an hour or two with my man. Relations. Up and out ... no second shower, I kind of like having him on my skin. Racing through the rain as the sun shines bright (what a beautiful trip). Stop for smokes and beer. At Amber's. It's been more than a month since we've hung out, but we fall back into the conversation like people do when they are real friends. TJ and Shawn at the door. Time for Knox gelatin and mohawk-making. Drink, drink, drink. Smoke. Out the door, straight to the bar. More beer. I think about how shitty I'll feel in the morning but down another anyway. Mmmmm. In my khakis and chucks, thank god. I'm comfortable and warm. Film the band while tipsy. Laugh because who knows what they'll see tomorrow. OK show. Not their best, but they're my boys so I like it just the same. Off to Fred's for -- thass right -- more beer. (God, I can consume a lot of beer.) Almost 1 a.m. and it's time to go home. The man's been waiting. I call, he comes and everything I never thought I'd want (but needed really badly) is sitting next to me. I smile and exhale because now I am home.

I love my girls. I love my punk rock boys. I love the music, beer and socializing. But I love being home with my baby ten million times more than anything. I've never felt so at peace in someone's presence, as I do when he's around. He really is perfect for me. Corny, cliche and a little bit ridiculous, but it's oh-so-true. Ask Michelle.

It's really nice, all this happy. Shit, I'm so happy I hope the entire population is half as giddy as this here. Even the fucks, three and two dimensional. Even you, Kelly from the sixth grade who made me feel like shit with your hurtful comments. I hope you're happy, too. Because, believe it or not, fucktards need love too. So spread it, losers.

The only thing that could possibly make my life better? Lower gas prices.

2005-04-08T13:54:00.000-07:00

I am officially psychotic.
I'm going out tonight.
I think.
Just for a little while.
I think he needs the space.
I am crazy. Crazy, I tell you. I need to unlearn. I have bad habits left over from a toxic relationship and I hate it. He isn't the same man at all and I know he will never do to me what's been done before, but I cannot seem to remember this ALL the time. I have windows where I am irrational and too nosey for my own good. Why WHY WHY must I do that? It's embarrassing.

Stupid, stupid untrusting girl.

And my boobs hurt. Fucking hormones.

NBS

2005-04-05T17:12:00.000-07:00

Hello, Internet:

I'm working today. Of course, you -- my faithful voyeurs -- would know that, because I only write in this box when I have nothing better to do. And the only time I have nothing better to do is when I am at work.

To be accurate, I've actually worked today. My shift started four hours ago and I am just sitting down to play. I only have lag time from now until the next person arrives; then I can leave this telephone and finish the job I started on our contest closet. So I guess I do work every once in a while, eh?

Thinkin' about going to the punk show on Wednesday night ... or maybe the one on Friday night. I haven't decided yet. Also, my man Scott Weiland will be here next week; still deciding if I will see that show. Not too sure about sitting through Hoobastank. (I know I won't get away with seeing all three shows.)

Four skittles dropped on the floor so far.

Sunday is Magic Mountain. Just us. Perfect. The sun is hanging around again, so the weather will be fan-fucking-tastic, as it usually is in the best state in the country. (Yes it is.)

I do believe I found my groove thang again. Wouldn't you like to know.

hmph.

2005-04-01T17:34:00.000-08:00

I'm pouting. The man is packing for Vegas right now. He'll be gone 'til Sunday. Whatev'. I'm jealous and bratty and sexually deprived right now. I knew I'd hate it today. I don't want him to go. Selfish me.

He better behave. My pessimistic nature is nagging at me. I make up ugly scenarios.

So I'm going to watch Love Actually, eat leftover birthday cake, maybe smoke up, and sleep alone. (It's interesting how quickly one gets used to being part of a couple.)

Mmmm cow meat and french fries. (Another gift to myself for having to spend my weekend solo.)

What a fucking baby I am. Ha.

I could go hit the scene tonight or tomorrow night. I don't wanna. I'd rather hibernate in Sanger. It'll be nice to have a house all to myself, really. I can lounge in my briefs, eh? Maybe I'll take pictures and send them to everyone online. Because, you know, that's what I do.

So, then. That's the guy who is going to get the ax from Lost? The one who fell in the plane? I'm a new fan. Somebody dish and elevate me to devout.
And the light. Aliens?
Yeah, hook me up with the Lost info.

BACK!

2005-03-29T20:04:00.000-08:00

I'm still alive. (OK, so who just got pissed?)
Just have no time for this as I am too busy living with my man. We have no internet access and we probably never will. I care not.

Still trying to weasle my way out of work to escape to the keys. Not successful as of yet. Still trying. Cross your limbs for me.

Just wrote three pages of crap for school. Embarrassing, I tell you. I just cannot care about essays. Ask me to write up a 10-page patient assessment and I'm happy. Ask me to write three pages on somebody else's short story and I got nothin', kid.

I have a date with my old life next week. I intend to keep it.

Sometimes -- even as happy as I am -- I wish for things I shouldn't want.

Goodnight, fellow voyeurs. Sleep tight.

Whoa, Nelly.

2005-03-22T17:24:00.000-08:00

Why do you give a shit what I think about what you post on the Internet?
Why does it matter what I say to whomever I say it to?
Are you not free to express your opinion to any individual you choose, in whatever format you choose?

I don't give a shit how evil you are. Really. Do whatever pleases you with whatever you feel the need to dredge up. Take up your own personal time to worry about things that shouldn't even take up space in your little head. Although I am fascinated by the way my opinion directly affects you. Seriously, why should it matter what some "stupid wetback" in Fresno thinks? Or what anyone outside of your personal circle thinks, for that matter.

You know, none of this is real to me. I take everything internet-related with a grain of salt. I take whatever comes with what I spill onto these pages -- good and bad -- because it's part of the package. I subject myself to scrutiny, and just shrug when someone ruffles my little feathers. If someone decides they hate the way I live my life or speak my internet piece, so be it. I am not going to waste my time worrying, hating, or dissecting them, because -- seriously now -- why would I give a shit?

All this hatred would be kind of funny if it wasn't so, um, sad.

So we don't get along. So I read and say stuff. Don't you? So what? Why does what I have to say matter so much? How is your life altered in any way? How am I actually hurting you? I mean, am I seriously hurting you? Is that it? I don't get it.

Fuck it, man. I don't want to get it. I have no interest in playing the vendetta game with you, dude. Have at it ... give it your best shot. Whatever makes you happy ...

*Also, I would bet my whole wad that you will never be able to come up with any sort of e-mails written by me indicating you are "ugly", "mean", or "cruel". I've never said any of those things at any time over the last year. Actually, you really don't come up as a topic in my e-mails but once every full moon. And you know, those definitely wouldn't be the words I'd use at all. And furthermore, I hadn't put that much thought into your character makeup (but I will now just to protect myself from whatever it is that you seem to be threatening me with). Who you are beyond this screen isn't (or should I say wasn't) that important.

But thanks for the warning. I'll stay on my toes and in my best behavior mode now. All opinions will remain inside this genius mind of mine. Do you feel better now?

Yo.

2005-03-21T22:37:00.000-08:00

I got suckered into working four hours tonight. The man is working until 11 anyway, might as well...he'll beat me home, which is nice. I no like waiting for him. When I'm there alone, the missing seems extra intense. (I left him dinner and paper heart. Sigh. I am in love.)

As I was grocery shopping today, I realized how much I've been secretly wanting to do these types of activities. I've wanted to share my life with someone, to pick up little necessities because he asks me for them, because I love doing stuff for him. Today, as I cruised the isles, I found myself smiling because I love buying food he'll love...food I can cook for him. I love cleaning his kitchen and having someone rely on me to take care of stuff. It's nice. I think I appreciate it more after spending all those years with that drug dealer guy.

Yeah, I can only shake my head at the past and wonder. At least I know what it's like to love toxic. It was a great lesson ... like quick sand and super glue. Thank goodness I survived. I appreciate what I have now that much more.

My man, he's almost perfect. You should be so lucky. Too bad you aren't. Too bad you think I'm full of shit. Too bad for you.

See you "around".

Satiated

2005-03-15T17:01:00.000-08:00

This is such a waste of time. I wouldn't even think to come around here if it weren't for the boredom factor here (at work, that is). I only count two or three of you as real friends, anyway. It's not like I'd invite any of you to my wedding. (Except those I count as friends...those listed as contacts in my cell phone.) Like I stated when I initially set this bad-boy up, I have no idea why I do this. Why do any of us do what we do?

I need a hair cut. This mane is down my back and driving me insane.
I need motivation to start exercising again.
I need sex. (On restriction for the next three to seven days.)

My man asked me to move in. I am. I so am.

Trivial

2005-03-07T19:07:00.000-08:00

I should curb my sarcasm. Not everyone enjoys my brand of humor, ESPECIALLY on the Internet.

I am so boringly satisfied with myself, my life. There is nothing here to see. Sorry.

I'm making baked chicken, cauliflower and pasta tonight. Wanna stop by for chow?

I am still waiting to hear about that job. I really hope they pick me.

saturday seven

2005-03-05T10:43:00.000-08:00

Uno:
Still no exercise. My extra time is spent lounging with my boy. I feel like a lazy ass, and summer is nipping at my fat calves. Last season's wardrobe is a no-go at this point. Better sit up, push up and move faster than 2 mph.

Dos:
My relationship is the lick. It's pretty disgusting how cool we are. I know we'll argue one day. Wait. You know, maybe we will never argue. Maybe we'll be that disgusting couple who end up living with each other in peace and happiness 'til death do us part. Wouldn't that be rad?

Tres:
I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I'm half-way through my nursing major and I am thinking of going a totally different direction. I have a feeling this is the right gear, this path I am on. I am so comfortable with every choice. I am. I'm just never sure. Are you? Ever sure, that is. Like, 100 percent full-throttle no regret sure?

Cuatro:
I have nothing in common with my girl friends right now. Nothing. They live beer and single and fun and flirting and, geez, nothing I find appealing right now. So much can change in such a short time span. I am so different than last March's E.C. I love it. I hope we don't end up too far apart to do lunch.

Cinco:
I want to have kids. Now.

Seis:
Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

Siete:
I sure could use a million bucks.

every thing new.

2005-03-04T16:37:00.000-08:00

Had a job interview today. I know it went well, but I'm sure it went well with a few other interviewees as well. Hopefully mine went best of the best. I would like to get my feet wet elsewhere. I've been here for eight long years and it's time for something new.

Change is my 2005 theme.

Crossing limbs and thoughts and wishing and all that you do when hoping for the best outcome possible.

"well huh"

2005-02-26T15:08:00.000-08:00

I am so glad I am me. Thank goodness for knowing when to keep my mouth shut and my libido in check. Great to be a perceptive know-it-all, yes it is. So cool that I wasn't all that interesting to the predators, and I knew that innocent IMs could lead to a world in which I'd never feel comfortable. Arm's length, people, arm's length.

Honesty isn't Internet policy, is it?

Death to all the fakers and let the real keep it real. It all comes shining through in the end. The proof is in that pudding you've been force fed over the last year. Yum.

blur

2005-02-18T15:38:00.000-08:00

I go days without thinking about e-mails and sites and names without faces. Last February, I was all caught up in this screen. I must've been crazy-bored with my life. I'm also crazy-happy now, so that could be a factor.

Valentine's Day was the best I've had since forever. He loved his gifts and that made my day. 'Nuff said.

I write notes on napkins when I leave his house while he's sleeping. How sick am I making you now?

Delirious with happy, I am. Still nosey as hell, vainglorious (thank you, puce) as ever, so I'm still hanging around. The moment this gets me in real life trouble it's gone. I promise.

Will probably avoid going to the show tonight. No need to lay eyes on punk rock boys. Some things are better left alone.

(I miss him all the damn time. I know. It's disgusting.)

Oh MAN!

2005-02-08T15:51:00.000-08:00

So crazy how much I don't miss this stupid computer at all! There was a time when being without internet access would have driven me mad. Did you know that? It's total truth I spit at you.

I forget about some of you now. And ain't it a crying shame? Not.

Today is the beginning of Health Fest 2005. No chocolate, no sugar-coated nonsense, Splenda forever, water 'til I float away, and major veggie love. I'm not fat, but I feel incredibly unhealthy and have since the holiday season. I haven't even been exercising (except for All The Great Sex I Have Now). I don't like being a lazy ass. OK, I really enjoy it, but the Catholic Guilt Factor is kicking in. And it's time to bust out the spring wear. I'll need to shed a few LB's for that.

The boy and I had a "discussion" today. It could have been an argument, but I'm maturing don't you know. Who knows where this is headed, people. All I know is that I am making every effort to be good, and he better be doing the same or he will die.

Think I'm playing? Try me.

Happy Fat Tuesday! Peace.

The List (2005 edition)

2005-02-04T19:29:00.000-08:00

I've been inspired:

1. My world spins best when there are a million things going on around me and I am pressed for time.

2. I broke into my fifth grade classroom, switched all the desks around, then blamed it on a friend. I fessed up eventually, but how shitty was I for shifting blame? (Even though she was my cohort in said crime, I was the total mastermind.)

3. Speaking of, I am always the one with the devious master plan. All the suckers fall in line.

4. I took this semester off. How stupid. Shut your hole; I feel guilty enough.

5. Vinegar and me, we go together like ra-ma-la-ma-la-ma ka-ding-a-da-ding-de-dong. It's the secret ingredient, peeps.

6. I was awkward from high school 'til about 26. I had an afro and pimples. I wore funky clothes. I had not a clue about plucking eyebrows or wearing makeup. I did have an awesome booty, though. Still do. I still have a hard time assimilating the hot chick I now see in the mirror to the awkward inner teen that is me.

7. Men Don't Leave is the saddest flick I've ever watched.

8. I still haven't cut my hair to my chin, even though I promised to do that before the end of 2003.

9. I am one helluva sex partner.

10. I have panic attacks, but no one around me would ever know. I hide them well, and my body is paying the price in a physical way.

11. UGH! Poetry sucks. But I dig ee cummings.

12. Most of my online crushes are chicks. The one I currently own is a boy, though.

There is no thirteen.

14. I love looking at all shapes and sizes when it comes to hot boys, but the sure-fire way to my heart is baby blues and a mess of curly, black hair. Hellllo, Julian McMahon. -swoon-

15. I am always throwing out the movie quotes, but it's disappointing because they're rarely noticed.

16. Attention is an addiction. I want it all. Everybody look at me.

17. If it wouldn't disappoint my friends and family so much, I'd become a druggie loser bum foreverandeveramen.

18. I love that I am persceptive to a fault. I can step outside of myself and realize how others are feeling and empathize with them in a way that makes me a better human being.

19. I hate that I am persceptive to a fault. I can step outside of myself and see how others are feeling/reacting/thinking and sometimes it is a sickening thing to see.

20. I think I broke someone's heart yesterday. The taste left in my mouth because of it is not pleasant. Comeuppance does not sit well with me. My heart bleeds right along with you even though I am one happy muthafucka right now.

21. Anal sex? I've been giving it second thoughts these days. Call me crazy.

22. I try to eat seafood once a year. I hate it every time.

23. Once a tomboy, always a tomboy.

24. I know how to fold cloth diapers.

25. I still can't figure out how to get along with my dad and the siblings he created after me.

26. My computer desktop says "Do Not Crush." Everyone thinks my skin is thick. Truth be told, every little thing gets under my skin. I'm just the greatest actress on the planet. Janet.

27. I keep 'fidelity' in Chinese characters as my cell phone screensaver. It's a reminder to me that I've involved myself in a relationship and I have to quit playing with other boys. Yes, I need a constant reminder.

28. I think people overuse the comma. I am all for run-on sentences. Also, I write like I talk.

29. More often than not, I forgo the meat portion of a meal. I have no idea why I do this, because I really like meat.

30. I am fascinated by genetics. Actually, I am fascinated by most things biological. If I had my way, I'd study the shit for life.

31. I don't believe in that whole Pearly Gates thing. This is it; live like tomorrow will never come.

32. I'm gonna name my kid Delaney, even if the dad hates it with a major passion.

33. I can put my feet behind my head. I can do the splits. I could've been a contortionist.

34. If there are rules, I'll give you a 99% guarantee I'll break them.

35. Las Vegas is my playground. Never in my life do I feel so carefree as when I hit the strip.

36. I'm going to have a pole in my house. You know, the kind I can dance on. My man is going to love me, I shit you not.

37. I drive a stick shift better than you.

38. I don't make all that much $, but I'll be honest and tell you that I am overpaid for what I do here.

39. I am rarely an initiator. I attribute this part of my character to the type of home life I had as a kid. I am reactionary. I wait for you and act accordingly.

40. Oh boy, am I a blusher. Stop embarrassing me, I can't take it.

41. When I was fourteen, my friend and I decided to compose a Penthouse Forum letter. It was so raunch. Bodily fluids, fingers, vibrators, asses and some more shit. My step-father found it (while rummaging through my shit, that prick). He gave it to my mom. She almost passed out. I was a virgin then; it was all talk, but I bet my mother never believed it.

42. It really pisses me off that I am unable to do the moonwalk.

43. Reasons why I think basketball is the best sport evar: the biceps, those break-away pants, the squeak-squeak of sneakers on the court.

44. My pain receptors are askew. I can take much more than the average bear. I cannot remember ever crying over physical pain. Stitches: three sets. Broken bones: three. Oh, and I think I enjoy the burns.

45. Once I love you, I love you for life. Even after you shit all over me, I can hold on to that love. Loyalty is my speciality...to a fault.

46. I have very straight and good-looking teeth, but every one of my molars is filled with silver. I have never experienced a trip to the dentist without him telling me I have a cavity.

47. I never get tired of watching Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer, 1970 claymation version.

48. Everything I know about the science of makin' a baby I learned from Nova's Miracle of Life, which my mom made me watch when I was seven.

49. I hate snow. OK, I actually like to look at it, but I hate to be in it. California is the place for me.

50. Once, a reporter I worked with wrote a feature Sunday Life article about me. He'd asked me out numerous times and I finally said yes. I totally stood him up and he wrote all about it. My coworkers still keep copies to show new people.

51. Amber Frey is my neighbor (kind of). We share this town. Also, Bubba from In the Heat of the Night is my mayor. Also, they once made a mini-series about the town's
raisin industry (a Dallas spoof). Also, this is the place where Anne Heche went psycho. I cannot count how many times this town has been used to portray backwards-ass livin'. (It's really not like that around here.)

52. It's time for me to take a break from this. I'll do the rest tomorrow.

53. I can eat mayonnaise by the spoonful.

54. I count the strokes when I put on deodorant. I always end on an odd number. OCD much?

55. My hip joint is in the beginning stages of arthritis. I will have the titanium version before I am 60 (if I live that long). Mother gets hers done in March; Father is still putting it off, but will have it done before year's end. I was doomed at birth.

56. Part of the reason I chose nursing as my major is so that I can wear PJs to work every day.

57. My main concern right now is if McDonald's plans on selling Shamrock Shakes this year.

58. An International Playa is coming through my stereo as I type this sentence. "One is in the air and one is in the chamber. You ask me what the fuck I'm doing, I'm releasing anger" ... swoon ... I could marry Andre2500008. Really.

59. I plan on getting totally drunk tonight. I will try to stop drinking before I throw up, but I make no promises.

60. At the beginning of last semester, I was walking through the parking lot to my car and I totally fell on my face. I got major road burn on my hand from trying to prevent my fall. I didn't even care about that, but I was mortified because a professor saw me munch and got all concerned, continuously asking me if I was OK. How. Embarrassing. I blush every time I see my hand scars.

61. On that note, I have more scars than I can count. My knees and shins are covered from soccer. I have one inbetween my eyes; I have one on my chin; there are too many to count on my hands; I have one on the inside of my mouth; I have one on my hip. My body is a testament to my active, carefee lifestyle. Rough and rugged, motherfuckers.

62. Derek was my first white boy ever. I think I scare them all with my ethnicity.

63. I have no faith in monogamy, even as I delve into this new relationship. The girl who lived through that last horrific relationship will always keep her eye open for paper scraps with numbers on them, unanswered cell phone calls, condoms, lifted eyebrows and surreptitious, sideways glances.

64. I've graduated to old now that I can no longer stand to watch MTV's Real World.

65. Biggie > Tupac. This opinion makes me very unpopular over here on the west (best) coast.

66. I call and hang up on people all the damn time. It's a weird, backwards hard-habit-to-break. I mostly do it when the person who answers isn't the person I want to converse with.

67. I'm just now discovering the joy that is Foo Fighters. I don't know why it took this long.

68. I can do a back handspring.

69. I love this number and all that it symbolizes. I love it even more right now because my relationship is solid and that means lots of great, kinky sex. Relatively speaking, I'll be buying my first toy soon. I'm torn between a magic bullet and a regular, run-of-the-mill vibrator. I bet the bullet wins. The boy will be make the final decision. Damn, he's lucky.

70. I miss running on the track team. I'll never experience that kind of camaraderie again. My heart still beats in a special way for the girls who ran that event with me. I also miss my spikes and having to walk on the balls of my feet to the drinking fountain.

71. I sleepwalk. Last week, I got up off the boy's couch, walked in the kitchen while he was cooking, pulled some wine glasses out of his cupboard, poured wine, and went back to the couch. I have no recollection of this. Sometimes, I wake up with food in my mouth. So. Strange.

72. Sitting still is a problem for me. It's the reason this damn list is taking me twenty years to accomplish.

73. Scritti Politti is playing on my iPod right now. The eighties were the lick, my friend. Where are my wayfarers?

74. The secret of my academic success: Tests. I ace exams. I rarely study hard (unless you count that semester I spent on crank). I just take good test.

75. Attributing factor: photographic memory. Read it, write it, repeat it and it's in there for good. I think I am running out of space, though.

76. I do not want to be elderly. I want to die before I fall completely apart.

77. Oh, the crush I have on my metro editor is the most enduring variety; also the most deadly, because he's married and I will Susie Homewreck his ass. (And what a nice ass it is.)

78. Funky socks will always make me smile. Currently sporting my pink Dots pair.

79. I only cook when I am in love.

80. My right wrist is wrecked by carpal tunnel. I'm losing my ability to flip people off in a proper fashion and that just sucks.

81. I am spendy so I date tightwads. We counterbalance with perfection.

82. Yes, I can read your mind. No, I am not playing.

83. I am the Go-To Girl. When someone has a question -- at work or in the real world -- they call me. That's why they call me jeopardy. I think it has to do with the photographic memory thing. I cannot forget stupid, random trivia to save my life.

84. If your opinion differs from mine, I think you need your head examined. No, I don't think this is a redeeming characteristic.

85. I honestly don't care if people don't like me, get me, or whatever. I have the best people already in my world. The rest of the masses can go kick rocks. (I just recently learned this trick.)

86. I cannot hold my pee very well. Long road trips are the devil.

87. Strangest feeling I ever experienced: I almost passed out in McDonald's. My vision went wacky, I broke out in a cold sweat and the legs gave out on me. I had to grasp the nearest booth to maintain. I asked the mopping lady for help, but she just looked at me like I shit my pants. I lost large amounts of faith in humanity that day. Nobody wants to help anybody anymore. Have you noticed?

88. I've written two rap songs. Their titles are "Pomade" and "Cheddar No Cheese".

89. Never had a one-night stand.

90. I smoke Newports, drink Jack Daniels and play one shitty game of pool.

91. I cried when Waylon Jennings died.

92. Momma, I would totally let my baby grow up to be a cowboy.

93. I make myself physically ill when I start to worry about anything. I get bubble guts and a mean headache.

94. I don't shave every day. It's such a hassle.

95. The best information I can pass on to other humans: love yourself, ugly and all. If you do, this comes seeping through your pores and everyone around you will pick up your scent and shower you with so much love you won't be able to come down off the high for one thousand and twelve moons.

96. I am afraid of the ocean, roaches, mice and fast cars.

97. For some reason, I think it'd be so cool to write a thesis on water.

98. I still love Michael Jordan.

99. My calves are to die for.

100. The best lesson I've learned in life is the same lesson I mentioned the last time I wrote a list like this: Anything -- and I mean ANYTHING-- can be forgiven.

Ouch.

2005-01-31T16:31:00.000-08:00

I waited for you to figure out what a great catch you had for over four years. I made it clear how much I cared for you. I put myself on blast and you ignored me for months at a time. Now that I no longer am at your beck and call, your world feels as if it may crumble at your "big boy" feet. Even though there is no reason for me to feel the way I do, I am miserable with the knowledge that I am causing you emotional pain. I apologize. I just cannot go back now.

There is a man here (at work) who insists on opening my to-go container to see the goods. Um, is it just me or is that not rude? Get away from my food, motherfucker. We are not that close.

I cried today. When someone tells you that they love you, it's not meant to cause sadness, is it? Then why am I feeling so blue?

I'm going to my boy's tonight. I need him to balance out my day.

So, there's this kid I know online. I honestly think he's a good dude at heart, but he has so many issues. I just don't understand his motivation. Such venom and mean spilling from his keyboard. I understand the need to dislike some people. Sure, he has the right to hate whomever he chooses. I just don't get the innuendos, vague references, smart alec posts meant to cause real harm. People who get off on embarrassing or hurting others trip me out. Why bother? I am of the Rise Above It All school of thought. But whatever. That's just me talking, and I am nobody. We are all nobodies, really. So to each his own. I suppose I need to learn how to quit being so nosey and bored and learn how to ignore all the drama.

Today is surreal. Everything always happens like this. Is it like this in your world too?

Hello, yeah...

2005-01-29T11:02:00.000-08:00

... it's been a while.

Happy Saturday!

I am living a miserable existence here at work. I haven't showered; I am on very little sleep; and I am slightly dehydrated. See what happens when I am allowed to play outside? Ugh. I should know better by now, right?

What are the odds of me repeating this process tonight? I scare myself sometimes.

One good thing: no work tomorrow. My third Sunday off since the changing of the schedule. I love, love, love having Sundays off. The craptacular aspect of this Sunday is that the man is working a night shift. He works 'em all weekend (the real reason behind last night's letting down of the hair). I won't get to properly greet him until Monday night after I finish my shift.

I keep wondering if he's tired of me yet. (We all get tired. I'll be honest and tell you that I hope I get tired first.)

Man, I'm fucked up. I am so worried about losing things(people) I love. I panic, over-analyze, dwell, creat scenarios in my own warped mind. I am suspicious and too observant for my own good. There's just no way he won't want to kill me at some point. Poor dude. He has no idea what he's into right now. He didn't know that I am crazy, deranged ... OK. He does know. But why he'd want to involve himself with me is beyond my comprehension. And I mean that. I'm damaged. Perhaps he wants to fix me.

I must write obituaries now. How's that for making a living?

Saturday Seven

2005-01-22T11:42:00.000-08:00

(because I'll be too busy tomorrow doing stuff -- like having relations, lounging with my man, watching useless television -- to do the Sunday Seven. So sop up my Saturday musings instead.)

One - I know it must be a blow to the ol' ego when a fella starts balding, but these dudes MUST realize how incredibly horrid hair plugs look. A shiny, bald head over Barbie-like plugs any day.

Two - My honey is day-tripping to the Oakland area. They have yet to leave which means he will not return until the wee hours and that sucks because I wanted him to go out with me tonight. -sigh- sidenote: love him.

Three - The cell needs to go in for repairs. I cannot hear a word out of the stupid thing and I am tired of having conversations via speakerphone.

Four - The second shift homie called in sick today. Mother. Fuck. I needed to take a lunch today to cash my bonus check. YAY BONUS CHECK!

Five - My habits are shifting again. I'm exiting chocolate world and entering the move that fat ass stage. Treadmill, here I come. Bonus check = new running shoes.

Six - I should've been a rock star. Also, this fits in here, I forgot my iPod at home today!!! The torture. (How did I live before?)

SEVEN! - I AM in love. Top that.

From the favorite word vault: succulent. (mmmmm)

Beautiful ...

2005-01-21T16:56:00.000-08:00

beautiful, beautiful, beautiful boy...
Today I attended the funeral of a wonderful 23-year-old man. He was a shining, peaceful, sweet, beautiful boy and I will miss his presence. This world is not as good a place as it was when he was here.

I've been crying a lot today. I keep whispering to myself about how lucky I've been throughout my life. I am, you know; I am so very, very lucky.

Life is not fair. There are no favorites. Awful things happen to great people. Take a moment to enjoy the moment you are living. You never know what is around the corner.

Don't forget to say I love you.

Goodnight, Paul. Rest well, beautiful boy. May your light continue to shine down. I love you.

A little voice inside my head said...

2005-01-18T13:40:00.000-08:00

... don't look back you can never look back

He cooked dinner for me last night. Fajitas. So good.
He bought me a toothbrush, too. One to stay at his house. So good.
I am so lucky. You have no idea.

You know it's gonna make it that much better...

2005-01-16T14:05:00.000-08:00

... when we could say goodnight and stay together

Sunday Seven

1. I am in panic mode. No biggie. M says ride it out and it will all make sense in a day or two. Wouldn't that be nice? (Hence, the title.)

2. Me thinks MLK Day should be celebrated universally. Fuck you if you disagree.

3. I miss doing hard drugs.

4. Am I in love?

5. So. Damn. Hungry.

6. Even cowgirls get the blues. Did you know that?

7. Really, am I falling in love???

From the favorite word vault: copulate.

As you were.

She called out a warning ...

2005-01-14T17:39:00.000-08:00

... don't ever let life pass you by.

Life continues to treat me with kindness. I am happy, so happy, in my skin. I have the time of one great guy who seems to dig me like I dig him. We have a great time together, as friends as well which is the greatest feeling. A feeling I haven't experienced in many, many years.

There are moments, though, moments of pure sad. Sometimes my phone lights up with one of two numbers and I tend to tear up. I feel so awful about not answering (as if I owe anything to either). I have no reason to feel bad, nothing to feel guilty about. But the tug in my chest is present. I never wanted to cause anyone pain. I never thought either would give a rat's ass one way or the other. I suppose I underestimate my worth.

We coulda, woulda, shoulda...neither of you ever gave me half the chance. I'm sorry.

It's all spilled milk. I wouldn't trade what I have now. I won't go back on my word. I will continue to forsake until something changes. And I'll cross my fingers that nothing ever shifts too far away from this, this pretty pretty thing we have Right Now.

Time to enjoy being me. Peace.

Colour me you Colour, baby ...

2005-01-08T11:47:00.000-08:00

... Colour me with love

I feel better. Not because I have newfound trust, but because I know I must accept the inevitable. He will be who he will be and do what he will do. I will not let this ruin everything. Small potatoes.

I avoided another disaster. Narrow misses when all I need to do is tell my new story. It is hard for me for reasons I cannot explain. Well, maybe I can: I do not want to hurt him. His eyes, they pierce me when sad. I don't know what to do with that weight.

I am happy. I am, even during passing moments of melancholy.

Breathe out so I can breathe you in ...

2005-01-05T10:12:00.000-08:00

... hold you in

I'm starting to doubt it all. I fucked around and read his text messages. The ones that were saved. Oh, you know it was nothing I wanted to see. I have no idea why I even looked. I guess I couldn't help it. What a let down. Is anything ever any different? I hate it.