Ouch.

I waited for you to figure out what a great catch you had for over four years. I made it clear how much I cared for you. I put myself on blast and you ignored me for months at a time. Now that I no longer am at your beck and call, your world feels as if it may crumble at your "big boy" feet. Even though there is no reason for me to feel the way I do, I am miserable with the knowledge that I am causing you emotional pain. I apologize. I just cannot go back now.

There is a man here (at work) who insists on opening my to-go container to see the goods. Um, is it just me or is that not rude? Get away from my food, motherfucker. We are not that close.

I cried today. When someone tells you that they love you, it's not meant to cause sadness, is it? Then why am I feeling so blue?

I'm going to my boy's tonight. I need him to balance out my day.

So, there's this kid I know online. I honestly think he's a good dude at heart, but he has so many issues. I just don't understand his motivation. Such venom and mean spilling from his keyboard. I understand the need to dislike some people. Sure, he has the right to hate whomever he chooses. I just don't get the innuendos, vague references, smart alec posts meant to cause real harm. People who get off on embarrassing or hurting others trip me out. Why bother? I am of the Rise Above It All school of thought. But whatever. That's just me talking, and I am nobody. We are all nobodies, really. So to each his own. I suppose I need to learn how to quit being so nosey and bored and learn how to ignore all the drama.

Today is surreal. Everything always happens like this. Is it like this in your world too?

Hello, yeah...

... it's been a while.

Happy Saturday!

I am living a miserable existence here at work. I haven't showered; I am on very little sleep; and I am slightly dehydrated. See what happens when I am allowed to play outside? Ugh. I should know better by now, right?

What are the odds of me repeating this process tonight? I scare myself sometimes.

One good thing: no work tomorrow. My third Sunday off since the changing of the schedule. I love, love, love having Sundays off. The craptacular aspect of this Sunday is that the man is working a night shift. He works 'em all weekend (the real reason behind last night's letting down of the hair). I won't get to properly greet him until Monday night after I finish my shift.

I keep wondering if he's tired of me yet. (We all get tired. I'll be honest and tell you that I hope I get tired first.)

Man, I'm fucked up. I am so worried about losing things(people) I love. I panic, over-analyze, dwell, creat scenarios in my own warped mind. I am suspicious and too observant for my own good. There's just no way he won't want to kill me at some point. Poor dude. He has no idea what he's into right now. He didn't know that I am crazy, deranged ... OK. He does know. But why he'd want to involve himself with me is beyond my comprehension. And I mean that. I'm damaged. Perhaps he wants to fix me.

I must write obituaries now. How's that for making a living?

Saturday Seven

(because I'll be too busy tomorrow doing stuff -- like having relations, lounging with my man, watching useless television -- to do the Sunday Seven. So sop up my Saturday musings instead.)

One - I know it must be a blow to the ol' ego when a fella starts balding, but these dudes MUST realize how incredibly horrid hair plugs look. A shiny, bald head over Barbie-like plugs any day.

Two - My honey is day-tripping to the Oakland area. They have yet to leave which means he will not return until the wee hours and that sucks because I wanted him to go out with me tonight. -sigh- sidenote: love him.

Three - The cell needs to go in for repairs. I cannot hear a word out of the stupid thing and I am tired of having conversations via speakerphone.

Four - The second shift homie called in sick today. Mother. Fuck. I needed to take a lunch today to cash my bonus check. YAY BONUS CHECK!

Five - My habits are shifting again. I'm exiting chocolate world and entering the move that fat ass stage. Treadmill, here I come. Bonus check = new running shoes.

Six - I should've been a rock star. Also, this fits in here, I forgot my iPod at home today!!! The torture. (How did I live before?)

SEVEN! - I AM in love. Top that.

From the favorite word vault: succulent. (mmmmm)

Beautiful ...

beautiful, beautiful, beautiful boy...
Today I attended the funeral of a wonderful 23-year-old man. He was a shining, peaceful, sweet, beautiful boy and I will miss his presence. This world is not as good a place as it was when he was here.

I've been crying a lot today. I keep whispering to myself about how lucky I've been throughout my life. I am, you know; I am so very, very lucky.

Life is not fair. There are no favorites. Awful things happen to great people. Take a moment to enjoy the moment you are living. You never know what is around the corner.

Don't forget to say I love you.

Goodnight, Paul. Rest well, beautiful boy. May your light continue to shine down. I love you.

A little voice inside my head said...

... don't look back you can never look back

He cooked dinner for me last night. Fajitas. So good.
He bought me a toothbrush, too. One to stay at his house. So good.
I am so lucky. You have no idea.

You know it's gonna make it that much better...

... when we could say goodnight and stay together

Sunday Seven

1. I am in panic mode. No biggie. M says ride it out and it will all make sense in a day or two. Wouldn't that be nice? (Hence, the title.)

2. Me thinks MLK Day should be celebrated universally. Fuck you if you disagree.

3. I miss doing hard drugs.

4. Am I in love?

5. So. Damn. Hungry.

6. Even cowgirls get the blues. Did you know that?

7. Really, am I falling in love???

From the favorite word vault: copulate.

As you were.

She called out a warning ...

... don't ever let life pass you by.

Life continues to treat me with kindness. I am happy, so happy, in my skin. I have the time of one great guy who seems to dig me like I dig him. We have a great time together, as friends as well which is the greatest feeling. A feeling I haven't experienced in many, many years.

There are moments, though, moments of pure sad. Sometimes my phone lights up with one of two numbers and I tend to tear up. I feel so awful about not answering (as if I owe anything to either). I have no reason to feel bad, nothing to feel guilty about. But the tug in my chest is present. I never wanted to cause anyone pain. I never thought either would give a rat's ass one way or the other. I suppose I underestimate my worth.

We coulda, woulda, shoulda...neither of you ever gave me half the chance. I'm sorry.

It's all spilled milk. I wouldn't trade what I have now. I won't go back on my word. I will continue to forsake until something changes. And I'll cross my fingers that nothing ever shifts too far away from this, this pretty pretty thing we have Right Now.

Time to enjoy being me. Peace.

Colour me you Colour, baby ...

... Colour me with love

I feel better. Not because I have newfound trust, but because I know I must accept the inevitable. He will be who he will be and do what he will do. I will not let this ruin everything. Small potatoes.

I avoided another disaster. Narrow misses when all I need to do is tell my new story. It is hard for me for reasons I cannot explain. Well, maybe I can: I do not want to hurt him. His eyes, they pierce me when sad. I don't know what to do with that weight.

I am happy. I am, even during passing moments of melancholy.

Breathe out so I can breathe you in ...

... hold you in

I'm starting to doubt it all. I fucked around and read his text messages. The ones that were saved. Oh, you know it was nothing I wanted to see. I have no idea why I even looked. I guess I couldn't help it. What a let down. Is anything ever any different? I hate it.